123RF
We were getting over our problems, but then I found out he had an intense affair with my friend.
Psychologist Robyn Salisbury helps a reader with a relationship dilemma.
QUESTION: We were working on problems in our marriage (I was feeling unloved, he was missing sex) and I was finally in a space where desire for him was coming back. But then I found out he'd had an intense affair. Now because of this, I find it really hard to enjoy sex. I feel so hurt by what he did with this other woman, who I considered a friend. It was a prolonged hidden affair, and the betrayal really hurts, as does no longer knowing how to trust him or anyone else. How can I keep up sex and intimacy with him when I feel so hurt?
Knowing about the affair blows my mind and makes me question everything in our past. I feel so insecure and need to understand what happened but he refuses to talk about it. This is my catch-22: I can't get over what happened, and have no outlet to discuss it, but still need to have sex with him or else problems will come up again. What can I do? I chose to forgive and continue our marriage, in part because we have young children, but it really devastates me.
READ MORE:
* Dear Mrs Salisbury: My near-affair is now my go-to fantasy
* Dear Mrs Salisbury: I'm worried my partner is still in love with his ex
* Dear Mrs Salisbury: I fear my wife is having an affair
ANSWER: Of course you need to talk about what happened as part of healing from this betrayal. A therapist skilled at understanding the needs and dynamics of an intimate relationship would help you both achieve this task. It's important to stay on the track of reaching, naming and expressing underlying emotions, rather than drifting off into a never-ending flow of questions like: "Were her breasts more pert than mine?" and: "Did she come more quickly/more loudly than me?" In order for you to risk making yourself vulnerable by completely reopening yourself to your husband, you need to experience him hearing, empathising and understanding your pain. An intimate, long-term lover needs to be a safe pair of arms to fall into.
Trust is often only gifted once. After betrayal, there is no magic re-gifting but rather the painstaking daily work of rebuilding trust. If you had a contract of fidelity, nothing justifies an affair. While keeping this in mind, it is also important to reach a shared understanding of ways in which each other's needs were not being met previously. This mutual heartfelt listening and understanding facilitates the rebuilding of an intimate relationship. Many couples find, this way, they can achieve something better than they've ever had.
Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist. Send questions to MrsSalisbury@sextherapy.co.nz.
Sunday Magazine
